Him

Tom and Jerry is playing on the television, slapstick comedy that you love but have outgrown. The moving pictures cast shadows on your face and outline your features. You look so peaceful lying there on the couch. It makes me wonder how he can take over so easily and warp your visage into something so feral. I wonder if he too sleeps like you, peacefully and undisturbed.

It wouldn’t be like him at all but then again, it never is.

Of all the people you created, why him? Why do you cherish him so much? Lisy was spawned by your brother, the endless comparisons about how you would never match up to him. You started to believe that you were useless and that you couldn’t do anything right. You made her to retain yourself, so you could let out your frustrations on her. It worked of course, turning her into what she is, but helping you remain yourself if a little fractured. Then you realized that you were smart, in fact smarter than most, just not as smart as your brother.

That gave rise to Gaunt. The cold man who followed you everywhere you went, looking down his nose at everyone else. For a time, you let him free, enjoying the feeling of being superior but of course you knew that wasn’t quite right now was it? You loved the feeling of manipulating others. You loved to hurt then comfort them simply because you could but you knew it wasn’t right. It wasn’t right to hurt and demean people like he did so you locked him away tight and bound him close to you then swore that you would try as hard to never do it again.

It was then that you made Dee didn’t you? You couldn’t live without attention. Yet you were reluctant to seek it from others. People don’t like attention whores so instead of asking for their attention, you made someone of your own. You let her talk to you and talk you through your life. Were you crazy? Maybe and maybe not. You enjoyed it so much and you loved her with all your heart. Perhaps that is why she flourished and loved you like you loved her.

SManic’s presence is even easier to understand. After all, your strict upbringing repressed you a lot didn’t it? You wanted to experiment, to be wild and to try new things but you couldn’t so you made SManic and made your desires his burden. He was someone you could talk to when you felt alone, someone your age unlike Dee and Gaunt who were far older and Lisy who was too young. He understood what it was like cause you made him understand. He was the one who hung over your shoulder and made inappropriate jokes to cheer you up in his own delusional way.

But why him? Why him? I just need to know. Your childhood wasn’t terrible. You had an easy life compared to others. You loved and were loved but still you created such a monster. Or perhaps he, created you.

Why the insults, the pain, the anger and all that he is? You carry those on your own well enough and you don’t need him. You don’t need him but you keep him so close to you, so close. You talk with him, fight with him, love him, hate him and you never ever let anyone else with him. It’s his arms you laugh in, his lap you sit in, his shoulder you cry on and his voice that you crave.

Sometimes, I don’t know if you’re awake or not because when your eyes open, they are full of the malicious glee that only he has. He smiles at me sweetly, the braces-made perfect smile you own which looks so out of place and disturbing when he uses it. I know he’s the one you call when you face your fears. You never face your fears do you? You just let him take over. He has no qualms picking up the knife and drawing it across skin, watching the blood run.

It’s your breath that ghosts across my ear when he leans so close and puts his arms around me.

“Hush, don’t be afraid.” It’s your voice that says it. If I close my eyes, I can almost believe that it’s you. It’s you who’s in control and not him. Never him. But I know better. It’s your lips that kiss my forehead but his eyes that catch my gaze in a pool of poisoned black.

He’s never going to leave you, just as you’re never going to leave him. Perhaps, this is what you wanted all along.

You blink your eyes and take back your right. For a moment, I can almost swear I see his malicious grin tweak the corners of your mouth but I dismiss it.

You created him. You control him.

Right?


Contemplative work, letting ideas flow and the voice inside my head talk.