Taking on their lives

Am I becoming the thing I created?

I see the things I write about, lurking in the corners and taunting me but when I turn my head, they are not there. The other day when I walked into the dewan, I could have sworn I saw a girl dressed in a white t-shirt standing on the stage waving at me.

One time, I saw something sitting in Pai Chieh's chair, facing the other way, grabbing it's head and screaming.

I saw a cat, waving it's tail outside my room. Then someone crouched behind a wall.

I can't even pretend they don't exist.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm becoming him. If I'm not really channeling him and that I already have become the thing I hate. Or perhaps, I actually love him. He loves to egg me on and suggest I do things so horrible I almost want to do them. He's not even like Manic. At least Manic means well. At least all Manic wants is fun and pleasure. Not the sick kind the other one suggests.

Some deep dark part of me likes the things he suggests. He says that we were never two, and we were always one but I hope it's not true. I hope it's so not true.



The other night, I dreamed I was standing outside the dewan. I waved to my friends, who were waiting for the AGM to begin. My classmates were in the parking lot. I wave to them. they come up the stairs. I escape into the dewan which magically becomes a corridor. I stride down it. I strip off my vest, toss backwards, so that my friends will wonder what happened to me that my vest would be left behind.

I duck into the adjacent office, hide behind the partition and look up. People come and go. I head downstairs. I hear my friends wonder about me and where I went. Behind me, the second floor explodes. I say nothing as I walk up to a small school bus. I pull out my student card and flash it at the driver. He starts the bus. I squeeze in the back of the tiny bus with children younger than me. I feel so so dirty.

I look as the school looms in front of me. Time to take finals.