Children

I love them but they hate me.

Children do not like me. This is a fact.
Especially those related to me. They do not respect me, they do not feel an ounce of love for me.

I'm a failure.

I'll go curl up and cry bitterly for an hour now.

Pretty much no one related to me reads this blog so I'm going to dump my feelings here.

This always happens at meal times. I go out for lunch or dinner with my parents. My cousins meet us there. Usually, I try my best to ignore them because they don't like me. I don't talk to them unless they talk to me first.

Sometime during the eating, it can be before or sometimes after, they usually come over to me and hit me, scratch me or in the older ones case, pull my hair. It's not painful but it's really annoying when I'm trying to eat or do something. Well the hair pulling is really painful.

If I get up and walk away, they cry.
If I tell them to stop, they cry.
If I scold them, they cry.
Even if I try to distract them with other things, it only works for a little while and they come back and start the whole process again. And then cry.

Their mother does not do anything. She tells them to stop but they ignore her. My mother also tells them to stop but they ignore her too.

It doesn't matter what happens. I always get in trouble because of them. I'm not allowed to get angry at them because they're 3 and 4.

Yes, I'm pathetic. I'm the most pathetic shit ever and you can delete me from friends now because you see how pathetic I am.

I'm a huge fucking FAILURE because I'm 19 and I can't even get along with two kids who are way younger than me. I DON"T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I DID WRONG.

To rub salt into open wounds. They love my brother. He doesn't talk to them, he doesn't really play with them, and they listen to whatever he says. Why is it I always fall second to him? It seems that I'm always stuck in second place.

Am I trying too hard? I read them stories when they want. I play with them when they want. I teach them things when they want. But still, they. Hate. Me.

Now, my mom is angry with me because I can't get along with them. I can't let her see me crying either because she'll get angrier with me cause it's my fault anyway.

IT'S MY FAULT AND I SHOULD GO DIE NOW.