It’s been a week

And I finally found the nerve to write about this.

Grandma died. The only reason I’m dealing with this now instead of last Saturday is because I was avoiding all my feelings. I was distracting myself with ‘work’. It was kinda successful until my phone broke down.

I have two phones and one broke down. It was the one called Dennis. So I put my SIM card in Deacon II. Then I realised that I hadn’t set any speed dial numbers.

As I set them, Number 6 came up empty because Grandma was always on Speed Dial 6.

Always.

I’m not sure who has her phone or if my aunts have discontinued her call plan but I couldn’t bear to delete her off my list or put her there anyway.

There are days when I just remember all the happy things we did together. The cute things she did when she thought we weren’t looking, her strength in the face of hurt.

Then I feel so selfish for wanting her back because she wanted to leave and to see God.

She has no regrets so why should I?

Grandma lived a happy and full life. She had 3 sons, 5 daughters. A total of 15 grandchildren and four great-grandchildren. She had two ‘Ferrari’s’ and we doted on her.

I can’t walk into a hospital without remembering the way she tried to introduce me to a Medical Assistant.

I can’t go out with breakfast without remembering how she liked to sneak out to market without us around.

I remember how much she walked even though we were all too tired to walk.

The cleaver in her hand as she carefully chopped up treats for us to eat.

 

Grandma I miss you. So much. Some days it hurts so much. Some days I think I’ll be okay. Some days I wish I had been there to help. Some days I’m happy cause you’re happy.

 

Some days I wish you were here.