Haven't felt this way for ages

I hate feeling EMO

Feeling Emo makes me feel worthless. I usually take my sadness, my angst and turn it into rage. Rage is good, directed rage is better. Makes me work harder and all.

Emoness sets in once in a while. When I was with friends, it wasn't so bad. Now, it's like Emo is following me. It's dogging my every move.

I hate it. I hate that Emo is usually caused by my family. Especially my family.

I don't like to be Emo because many people expect me to be happy. I'm the Happy Kid. I'm supposed to Happy and that sucks because sometimes I'm emo.

OH GAWD I'M EMO RIGHT NOW BAAWWW

And it's pretty damned stupid to be emo because I'm only emo when my mom is mad at me.

So I got home on Wednesday night.

I crashed and burned on Thursday. I didn't sleep well on the previous week.

I spent Friday online because of the University Results coming out.

Saturday was spent hunting for nice Baju Kurung that wouldn't piss off my mom and it pissed her off anyway. I also spent some time tracking down the rest of the forms I needed for my registration to UPM.

Sunday: Church, Meeting up with seniors.

Then here I am now, typing this blog and my room is still a mess.

My mom blames me for not cleaning up the previous few days. I don't dare to tell her I can't instead of won't because that will just piss her off and nothing hurts more than wanting her approval.

Simply put, I don't sleep. Once I start cleaning, I don't sleep until my room is shiny spotless. I start early in the morning, wash my bed sheets, clothes, then I start throwing things out. It's a whole day process.

She blames me for the bags she bought me then forbade me to use.
She blames me for the books my brother gave me but I never used.
She blames me for the multitude of shirts she bought me but I didn't want.
She blames me for typing too loud right now.

She blames me for a lot of things.

I'm a two faced person. Can't help it. I show most people the shiny happy me and Emo in my room alone.

I think strangely. Can't help it. I read too much and things that should make sense, don't.

I keep things. I feel sorry for useless things cause I know what it feels like to be useless and in the way.

I'm a little obsessive and when I starting thinking that something has to be done a certain way, I have trouble thinking outside the box.

University will either kill me or free me. I hope that I will one day be able to make a decision without wondering "What if my parents disapprove?" because this is my life.


Food For Thought:

1. A mad person does not think he's insane but is.
2. A sane person thinks he's insane but isn't.
3. If a mad person acknowledges he's mad, does that make him sane?

Another thing I've never been able to figure out.
If I like attention and do things to gain it, that would make me an attention whore.
If I shy away attention and do things to avoid it, that would make me antisocial.
If I don't want to be an attention whore, therefore shying away from attention while still craving it desperately, am I still an attention whore or not?